MONDAY LATE NIGHT & The 12 Step Program

I am sharing on my blog tonight what I shared on facebook earlier;

 have struggled with my weight all of my life. I had gotten to the point of being at another all time high at 382 and decided to go back to the 12 steps of AA. Or in this case O.A. Unfortunately there are no face-to-face meetings here in town anymore, but then I don't have a car anymore either. So I found phone meetings. It's like a big conference call..

When people, whether they are a speaker that night or just 'sharing', they are truly giving each of us strength and hope, which, if we sincerely "work the program" we then have our own "experience, strength and hope".  This program is an amazing one. It teaches a person honesty in all aspects of life. It teaches healthy thinking and behaviors no matter what your background or experience. I have had psychological counseling at various times in my life and it has been extremely helpful. I became a Christian (born again; saved by the blood of Jesus) in May of 1988. That has helped me tremendously, but I still had a LOT of resentment towards some people. I still had an anger problem. I think God does make us the way we are for a reason and uses our circumstances to work for His and others' good (Romans 8:28).Because my anger, aimed at the right target, has been helpful to many at various times in my life.

One of the things I have learned in the O.A. program is that resentments to us, are like poison. Resentment is damaging to our mental health and our spiritual health and that greatly affects our physical health. One thing that was hard for me was to realize according to the Big Book and OA literature that as a compulsive over eater I am different from other people. "Other" people can have 1-2 slices of pizza and STOP. Or they can have a sliver of cake and STOP. I can NOT. If I eat pizza, I eat almost all or all of it. Cake? Ha! I have to stay away from cake because it is spongy and soft and the entire thing can go down in nothing flat.
This kind of knowledge about myself is crucial if I am to have recovery. But it is this kind of knowledge that lets me know that besides weighing too much, being a compulsive over eater bleeds into all other areas of my life. It makes me impulsive. I often do and say things impulsively that had I waited until the emotions pass, I wouldn't have done "thus and so" and wouldn't have to practice several of the steps by apologizing, making amends and asking forgiveness. Some people would think that sharing this on facebook is a huge mistake. That is okay. They are entitled to their feelings as is anyone else. I am sharing this because of step Twelve (12) - "Having had a Spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in ALL our affairs" . If my sharing this helps even one other person, it is worth it.

One thing about the 12 step program is, to me, as a Christian, like the icing on the cake. It is completely complimentary to the bible, although you don't have to be a believer to be in the program. In the AA Big Book there is even a chapter for the Agnostic. But for me, as a Christian, it gives me clarity in saying "I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him". O.A. gives me awareness. Awareness of my thoughts and my reactions. It helps me to stop acting compulsively and impulsively towards food and beyond food. I will always be sick when it comes to food and these abnormal ways of being, but today I can practice the steps and find sanity and I only need to be willing. God will "do for me what I can not do for myself".

On page 63 of the BB, it says as a prayer to God, "Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties (my character defects; step 6) that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!".
Friends, I honestly could go on and on about how the 12 step program has changed my life but I will stop for now. I am far from "there". I've only worked the first three steps. I am working on my 4th step now. But I must also practice humility to the best of my ability, for it is when I think I have "arrived", that my old habits and patterns are closest to tripping me up. I can't handle another relapse. It would kill me. And before it would kill my body, it would kill my soul and spirit.... so please allow me to end by "Step 1: I admitted I am powerless over food (and other people, places or things) and that my life had become unmanageable. Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity (more healthy ways of doing things) Step 3: I made the decision to turn my will (all of it!) and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. and step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. ... and that is where I am at now. Thank you for any of you who stayed with this all the way. I love you all and want only God's blessings and best for you and yours......

https://www.oa.org/membersgroups/find-a-meeting/

SATURDAY NIGHT

It is 9:34p.m. right now. In a little over two hours, I have to moderate "Bedtime Stories" and I haven't the vaguest idea what topic to do.
I am listening to the 100 pounders meeting right now. They always have a speaker. It is for those who either have lost at least 100 lbs. or those who need to lose at least 100 pounds. Good meeting.

Today I played with my stereo speakers listening to some old but great music such as The Doors, The Eagles, Steppenwolf, Bread, etc.,.. It was fun and made me move some to get my metabolism going. I so miss dancing since the MS.

I played with Charlie Brown, Phoebe and Bloobee. Bloobee is going through that stage where he thinks he is starving. I make him some food and then he refuses the syringe. Phoebe still wants a taste now and then, as well. I love all of my babies, but Phoebe is becoming a complete joy to me. Since Chicky died, I have longed for a bird that I could have the same kind of bond and who would sit on my shoulder and visit. Phoebe is beginning to do that and at night I take her out of the cage passed the covers and I kiss all over her sweet little face and she makes the most precious and cute little sounds.  She can say her name and will yell it when she wants my attention.

I did some work of getting rid of some clutter today. My eating went well. I need to give popcorn up for awhile, I think. I am abstinent, but eating some foods I would prefer not to.

Well, gotta go for now....

Wish you all well. Love & hugs,

A Pink Kitchen

I am watching Dateline and 20/20. This should have been with the title Friday Meetings and Dateline. Oh, well.

I love the pink kitchen in this old house! Do you? I would have had the cupboards a deeeper pink. I am not a "pink" person, but I wrote a novel a long time ago and created the perfect pink kitchen, which was not unlike this one.

http://www.farmhouse.littlethings.com/original-1950s-kitchen/?utm_source=sungazing

and if you like really really OLD houses, you might like this one:

http://farmhouse.littlethings.com/1940s-farmhouse/?utm_source=sungazing&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=tt

Friday Night Meetings and Dateline

Getting ready to listen to the 100 lb. meeting. Usually there is a good speaker on.

Today, as the last two weeks of days, has been pretty hectic. Of course, with two new babies, that's part of it.
The other part is in the last two weeks I've had to transfer over from Carestar Waiver program to Passport and it has been extremely busy and chaotic.

Since Kathi has been on vacation, someone has been here daily and I haven't gotten my usual daily nap, so I have been extra tired and that also has added to my fatigue.

    I'm still abstinent, but it has been shaky and I don't like that so tonight as I filling out the meals tomorrow for Spark People, I did much better.

I'm still reading The Future Homemakers of America. It is really good and very nostalgic for me. I loved the leftover lifestyle of the '50's. The '60's were pretty hectic - all that "make love, not war" and "Everybody Love Your Brother" stuff was very idealistic but not so much when it comes to realism or practicality. And it was the beginning of hate here in America. Yes, there became two basic factions then. The war people who were ready to fight at the drop of a hat and those who would literally turn the other cheek if you walked up and smacked them. So, two extremes. Now, it seems that society has gone crazy. Racism and an over dose of religiosity has taken over just to say the least.
There's hardly anyone who who sees gray anymore. Or knows how to balance things.

Well, the baby Bloobee is eating well, but he is a lot like Phoebe was. As soon as he eats, five minutes later, he is flapping his little wings and Quaking as he bobs his head. Typical Quaker parrot....lol. He will start weaning soon as he is 7 weeks and 3 days old now so that is why he only eating a bit at a time.

Phoebe my new GC conure baby is a riot! She is a drama queen and so sweet and snuggly at times. She is the first bird since the death of Chicky who has given me hope of a close bond.

Meeting is on.... so, later!

WEDNESDAY EVENING 6/24/2015

 I saw a picture of a little bird in a pet shop and it had a sign that said something like: If you take me home with ypou, and I give you my heart, please don't break my heart by giving me away.

This makes me feel really bad for giving up Emmet & Olive... but although they were meant for pets/companions, when I got them, they bonded only to each other (not to me) and I felt that they were also causing Charlie Brown a lot of stress. They would call to him (he had a crush on Olive) then if he got to them they would bite him until his toe would bleed.

 I MISS Emmett & Olive badly, but what is done is done. I felt that giving them up was the right thing to do for all concerned... if it had been only up to me, I would have kept them and just allowed them to live here.and love them like I did anyway - from afar.

 I love them still and God knows that.....

I'm so sad right now and miss them so badly...

READING & THINKING

I am reading a book by Laurie Graham titled The Future Homemakers Of America. It's about 6 but mainly 4 wives of Air Force pilots back in the 1950's. It's really good. I haven't read a book that wasn't the bible or a devotional or related to the 12 steps in months and months now. I have begun several things: The Edible Woman by Margaret Atwood, one of my favorite authors; A Very Proper Death by Alex Juniper; The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and one other can't think of the name of right off. Every one of them lost me shortly after I started. I just think I wasn't ready yet. Then I picked up this one by Laurie Graham. Slid it right off my book shelf in the hallway and have had my nose in it every night when I come upstairs since then.

So much has changed since the '50's... I remember the last house we lived in when my dad was still in the Air Force. It was awesome. It had a large living room, large dining room, 4 big bedrooms and 2 baths. The kitchen wasn't huge but it was so nice during the few years we lived there.

Back then, neighbors were neighborly, and it was reasonably safe to walk after dark although children weren't allowed to do that - except for one night a year and that was Halloween night. On Halloween night we left our houses just after sundown and we didn't come home sometimes until midnight. And we didn't have to have parents with us either. We walked all around the base from the smaller houses to some of the larger ones where "higher ups" lived. People did their best to scare us when we knocked on their doors and it was scary tingling delightful. I can remember walking up to a door with my friends and brother and shivering even though in El Paso, Texas, it was generally warm. The shivering was from wondering what we would be seeing. People answered their doors as boogey men or witches or goblins and ghosts but we knew deep down that there was no real reason to be afraid. All those people were our friends, sort of like family. And on the way home, it went slower than when we had started out because our bags were full of candy and apples and popcorn balls and UNICEF cartons, and we didn't have to worry either about looking for razor blades or glass or poison because back then, people just didn't think that way. Now, of course, there are a lot of people going to hell in a hand basket and they think nothing of doing nasty things to children in more ways than one.

While dad was in the Air Force, we lived in California, Ohio, Texas and Kentucky with Grandma while he went to Germany. I'll have to tell you about my grandma sometime.... she was old and poor as dirt, but fed us well and was the best grandma ever.....

Well, for now, back to reading....

THE "PROGRAM"

I am on day 13 of "abstinence" in O.A. (Overeaters Anonymous, hereafter referred to as O.A.).
I have found that everyone in this program (yes, I do tend to overgeneralize - one of my "character defects") seems to have a slightly different way of defining abstinence. Mine is how many days I have abstained from my personal binge foods and how many days I have been abstinent from a binge or a time of compulsive overeating. So... day 13.

I haven't meant to make the same mistakes in life over and over. One thing I am learning is that this disease it three fold: Physical, Mental and Spiritual and it seems that Spiritual is the main issue. In short, if we are "spiritually fit" we don't compulsively over eat, we don't drink (if we're alcoholic), we don't do drugs, gamble or run up our credit cards.

I love God and I have been a saved, "born again" Christian since 1988, but I have had to face the truth lately that I have not been spiritually fit. In any of the 12 Step programs, rigorous honesty is stressed and important. In the 4th step, we must put down in black and white all the people who we have resentments towards, and all those we think that we have hurt.  One of the things I am learning is that unless we are "Spiritually Fit" then NOTHING in our life will work very well for very long. To have a life which is rich and satisfying, we MUST put our Higher Power (God) before anything or anyone else. We must work the steps EVERY SINGLE DAY and at least some of the 9 tools to become spiritually fit and to stay spiritually fit. Then and only then can we live a life free from compulsion and continuous turbulence with other people....

More to follow tomorrow.

Boy. when it rains, it pours.
Charlie, the GCC just came back from the vet a few weeks ago with a 243.00 bill. i only get 700.00 a month.
Kiwi my Quaker I have had since he was 5 weeks old has been acting abnormal the last several days. The last two days he sat in a corner of his floor and slept. Last night when I told everyone night he didn't say "Gop" every time he heard me tell someone goodnight and I love you. He ALWAYS says "Gop" after each time; I've always thought that it must be his way of saying "Goodnight. I love you".

The next day I got him out and checked him over and he has an obvious tumor down above his vent. It is yellow like fat, but it is a tumor. He climbed into his bed mid day and was sleeping. 

He is 15 and I am scared. I am not ready to lose him....

Recently I found out that my Quaker parrot Kiwi, has terminal Cancer. Kiwi Tweezerbirdy, who I named after the original (Paulette's) Kiwi Tweezerbirdy was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor down by his vent about 3 weeks ago now. It is inoperable. He is on medication right now for his liver, which was inflamed. There is nothing to be done except love him and if circumstances force me, to do the right thing at the time it is needed. Right now he is acting almost normal. I have had him since he was 5 weeks old and he is 15 plus.

He can say 78 words/phrases/sentences. My favorite is in his teen tiny little child's voice, "Can I go sleepy in my peek-a-boo bed (with) Prickles?"

I will be incredibly sad to lose this little guy who has been my friend for all these years. We have been through all kinds of ups and downs and when I cry, he kisses away my tears.....

You know...it's hard to lose anyone you love. And for some reason, birds are especially hard for me. But I am grateful to at least have time with Kiwi knowing.

As we all know, too often we just wake up and find them gone. 

Knowing that at some point in this illness, I *will* have to say good bye for now to my baby, I find myself reliving moments and memories along the way - precious memories - of when I first got him, and the way his little head would wobble and he would quake, to the first words he spoke, to how he made me laugh so hard one time while I was holding him that he became scared of his mama's unusually crazy laughter and bit me and for some reason, that made me laugh all the more (it was the expression on his face) and he turned tail and ran away, grumbling along. It has been a wonderful, sometimes chaotic, joyous last 15 years.

I can only hope that when he is gone, he will remain forever in my heart and mind and that there truly *is* a place for him in Heaven, and that he will be waiting for his mama some day welcoming me by his "Ack! Ack! Acking, that only a Quaker can make.....

I love you, Kiwi......

Catch Up

June 9th, 2015

A few days ago was my youngest sister, Chris's birthday: June 6th. She is 13 years younger than me, so that makes her the big Five-Oh. I wonder how she feels about that....
She doesn't like me, my youngest sister. Never has and probably never will. Not sure why... but I have a theory that she doesn't like the fact that knowing me and being around me is like looking into a mirror.  We're both very controlling and don't allow people to push us around.    She knows, though, in many ways I am better at what I do than she is at what she does. Just for example, when mom was in the nursing home, Chris called the nursing home to try to get mom in from the hospital for much needed P.T. Chris ran into quite a bit of government red tape. It was too much for her. I told her I would call. I called and snapped the whip. Told them I wasn't going to listen to their B.S. and did what I needed to and said what I said and and within 2.5 hours I had mom admitted and a room number for her. Yes.... I'm good.
There was a time when I could never have thought that, let alone said that. But I *am* good in some things and I am no longer afraid to say so.

There are other reasons Chris doesn't like me. She used to be a Jehovah's Witness and I never was and am not. I am a born again, saved by Christ, bible believing Christian. And proud of it. God called me into an "anti-cult"ministry and that was all the more reason she had to exhibit and harbor pure and unadulterated disdain. To her and the rest of my siblings and then later when mom became involved I was an enemy. I never could figure out why it was okay for her to go "door to door" knocking on people's doors early Saturday and Sunday mornings when working people might want to sleep in for an hour or two, but it was NOT okay for me to talk to people about how Jehovah's Witnesses didn't listen to the bible, but only whatever the "governing body" said. But then things have never been on a level playing field with my "family". No, it has always been do as we do and act as we act or else you don't belong. No, you don't belong and you don't get included in things such as family talks, all the cook-outs and having a word or say about the TV that all the rest of the kids are going in together and buying for mom and dad's anniversary. Nope, you get no say. But (and listen carefully) if you say anything.... anything at all about it, like "Why do you guys treat me so differently than everyone else?" then they start hollering that you are a narcissist and all you ever do is think of yourself. Sigh....

Oh, I guess I could go on and on, but at the risk of one of them seeing this and calling me a narcissist again, I'll stop here and just wait to put it all in my book I will be authoring one day. I *will* say this: I am going on what I think. Every single one of them have never just one on one told me what they think I have done to them. I have NO idea! That is frustrating to me and sad....
Also, pertaining to Chris and all the rest of them? I love them all, each and every one of them. And if any of them ever come to their senses and realize how short life is and want to talk.... I am HERE.

Today has been a long day. I woke tired to the point of not feeling rested. I listened to 4 hours of O.A. meetings again last night. I am struggling... I need the meetings. I need the others' experience, strength and hope.

I haven't done too badly with my food today but I could have done better. I can't wait until there are meetings tonight.
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